Self-love is a term we hear in recovery, personal growth and development circles all the time, but what does it really mean?
A lot of people I work with hear about self-love in the early stages of their recovery, and instantly think that it amounts to something tantamount to selfishness. I think this is because we normally feel guilt and shame about our addiction and the corresponding behaviour in the early days, months and even years of recovery. After all, how could you possibly do anything that could be perceived as even remotely selfish after all the harm and hurt you've caused?
I truly believe that it's a cornerstone of recovery to be able to practice healthy self-love, and do it in a way that isn't selfish. One of the foundational elements is learning to accept yourself as you are, including your past struggles and current challenges. This means being really kind to yourself and treating yourself with the same compassion you'd show towards someone you love. It's often difficult to imagine being able to do this initially, especially if you feel you have let people down and caused chaos and heartache in the lives of others. The thing is that our shitty behaviour is a symptom of being unwell, not a mark of being a flawed person. Acting badly under the influence of substances in the grips of addiction is not who you are, and though you might consider taking responsibility and accountability for this behaviour as part of your healing, you are not a terrible person! Which means that to be truly loving, you need to be able to embrace self-acceptance and - forgiveness.
Sure, you might have done terrible things, but this does not mean that you are going to get well by beating yourself up and chastising yourself at every opportunity you get. If you were suffering from a dread disease, or a chronic disorder, or had just undergone surgery of some kind you probably wouldn't speak to yourself as harshly and critically as you have possibly done (or are doing) in the early stages of your recovery. I don't think I have met anyone who flourishes and thrives in any situation when they are constantly receiving negative feedback and being bombarded with meanness and cruelty. You wouldn't dream of talking to your children, partner or best friend the way you speak to yourself at times. It just wouldn't be helpful!
Yet there you are having a go at yourself for everything bad you ever did...talking down to yourself because you're having a challenging day or a difficult week. Hmmm, that's just not a self-loving thing to do! Uplifting, compassionate self-talk is another crucial part of whether you are getting well and how you are doing emotionally, mentally, and spiritually in the process. If you just stop and think about it for a minute, you'll probably recognise that the way you speak to yourself is particularly motivating or helpful. Slow down for a moment and think about how much more helpful it would be if you spoke to yourself with a little more love, and if you can't muster deep love, what about just being a little friendlier to yourself? Maybe you're not ready to take yourself on a romantic date just yet, but what if you just tried being a little nicer? I heard the concept of self-friendliness on a Tim Ferris podcast recently; he was either talking to Liz Gilbert or Martha Beck, but I forget which one. They both touched on similar themes around showing up for yourself, setting badass boundaries, and being more truthful, in integrity, and authentic. These are all practices that resonate deeply with me in the personal (and professional) work that I do.
Boundaries are also a profound expression of self-love, especially if they are created based on your needs, wants and values. Knowing what's okay and not okay in your life means that you are looking out for yourself and if that's not an statement of self-love then I'm not sure what is. Sure, I get it. You don't feel like you deserve to stand up for yourself after everything you've done and what you've put your people through. The challenge is that if you don't start loving and looking after yourself in the early days of your recovery, it's going to be difficult to make that behavioural shift at some point in the future. How long are you going to wait until the time is right, and you stop people pleasing based on your past actions and behaviours!? Do you wait a month? Six months? 12 months? What's the right amount of time to spending making up for bad choices, decisions, and actions before you feel you're allowed to stick up for yourself a little more in the present? Or you can simply carry on doing what makes other people feel okay, while you feel like crap.
You can take responsibility for your past mistakes AND start practicing healthy forms of self-love right from the start of your recovery process. This doesn't mean that you're brushing off the past, but it does mean you are on your way to doing things differently in the future. I believe it's possible to make amends and put boundaries in place; not one or the other. The truth is that if you operate from a position of "less-than" in your relationships, you'll just wind up getting angry and resentful, and resentment is rocket fuel for relapse. If you don't learn to express your needs, wants and values, anger, irritation and frustration, these unmet, unsaid, unspoken things will become full-blown resentments, and that's the way you set yourself up for a proper relapse.
I'm not saying that relapse is unavoidable, but if you don't take responsibility and agency for your mental, emotional, spiritual and social wellbeing you will most likely find yourself in the position where drinking or using feels likes the only way to get through or resolve certain situations. We all get triggered and learning to move through these states without picking up or acting out is what recovery is about. Just because you think about using or drinking doesn't mean you have. When you experience these emotional and physical states, learning to treat yourself with love, care and compassion is often the antidote to a slip or a relapse. I've been sober for almost 17 years and I do think about drinking, I just choose not to and that's what recovery means to me. Just because I have a certain emotional experience, which triggers a thought or a memory, doesn't mean I have actually done anything "wrong". Self-love means that I am able to treat myself with kindness and not beat myself up for thinking or feeling certain ways.
We're not actually in control of our thoughts, feelings, and experiences as much as we're in control of how we respond to them. As you grow in your recovery process, the more responsive you'll become in difficult, overwhelming situations. It's not that challenging experiences evaporate, it's just that you get better at handling what's difficult and uncomfortable! Your triggers will most likely remain your triggers, you'll just become more aware and conscious of them, and move through these situations differently. Of you are able to practice self-love, -soothing, and -affirmation in these times you'll find the whole experience a lot less intense and you'll deepen your self-worth and -efficacy every time you move through your triggers rather than reverting to autopilot, self-destructive choices, actions and behaviours. Over time, as you get better at taking care of and loving yourself in a healthy way, working with your triggers becomes less exhausting. Of course you'll still get triggered, you'll still have cravings at times, and you may still lose your temper or act in a way that you don't like, but that's a whole lot better than running of to the bar or jumping on the phone to your dealer.
Change takes time, and if you nurture yourself in the process you'll find it much easier than if you are in a state of constant self-deprecation and -criticism. It's okay to feel the way you feel and then treat yourself with a little love and tenderness. Learning to do things differently, making healthy choices, standing up for yourself, and showing up as a well person will stretch you! And because none of us are perfect you'll probably give yourself a good tongue lashing for the way things are going at times. But remember...you probably have years and years of unhealthy programming to work through. Becoming a really well person doesn't happen overnight and there may be times you even doubt whether all the hard work is worth it!? I promise you it is! Of course not everything will happen according to your timelines, and you'll probably want to see you life transforming in an impossibly short period. Slow down!
Take some time out, and reflect on the changes that you have made. Think about how choosing recovery has added value to your life, your relationships, and your experiences. It's easy to slip into our negativity bias and only look at what's not working and what's gone wrong. Think about what's going right, especially when you are feeling overwhelmed or anxious about your progress and your growth. Instead of focusing on what's not working, try and shift and reframe your thinking to what is...and then just to deepen that a bit more think about what you're grateful for. What about your recovery is truly fulfilling and meaningful at the moment? What are you super grateful for right now?
Spend a few minutes reflecting on the things you are thankful for and just stay with the gratitude. Don't do that whole, "Yes, but" thing which tends to minimise what you have achieved and how far you have come. It's a self-loving space if you can hold it for yourself.
Of course, self-love does include self-care; nothing wrong with a rewarding visit to the local spa, or a new pair of shoes. It does, however, run deeper than that. Learning to schedule time for you, just like you make time for everyone else, is so important. Cooking healthy meals, exercising regularly, and taking time out for meditation and mindfulness are all acts of self-love. And then there is asking for help and support when you need it.
That's probably one of the most important habits you can create. Knowing when you need the care of others is not only self-loving, it's also incredibly courageous! If you are looking after yourself and are attuned to your needs and wants, the level of your resources, and your capacity at any given time, you'll learn to recognise when you can't be there for yourself all the time. Some level of independence is essential, and asking for help when you need it creates healthy interdependence. You don't want to be needy, but hyper-independence doesn't serve us very well either.
So, essentially self-love is not selfish. Self-love is about caring for your own well-being, peace and happiness in a way that doesn't harm others and gives you the capacity to be more present and supportive in your relationships. Selfishness, on the other hand, involves prioritising your own needs and desires at the expense of others, often disregarding their feelings or well-being. While self-love promotes personal growth and healthy relationships, selfishness can lead to isolation and damaged connections with others. They really aren't the same. If you learn to practice healthy, holistic self-love, you will have more space and capacity for others, not less. If you are taking care of yourself you'll be more aware, conscious and energised, and available for others in your life.
Going to your support group, meetings, or therapeutic sessions to stay clean and sober, and be well, means that you will hopefully continue to deepen and anchor your recovery, and not put yourself and your loved ones through the trauma of addiction again. Of course, if your family urgently needs your help and support in a situation then of course it's important to be able to put your own needs, wants and commitments aside for that time. Just remember that putting everything and everyone ahead of yourself all the time, and not paying attention to yourself, is going to make being a well person that much harder! Finding the balance between yourself and others is part of the process of recovering your life, relationships, aspirations, values and confidence. Sometimes it'll go well and other times it might feel like chaos, conflict and crisis. But let's be honest, not to the level you've probably experienced in the height of your addiction!!
Self-love, like any other type of love, is not a feeling - it's an action. It's the actions that we take to nurture, care, and stand up for ourselves. It's the steps we take towards being the type of people who can be there for ourselves and others in a healthy, boundarised, interdependent way. It's definitely not the unconscious, mindlessness that we become so used to during active addiction; it is the present awareness to know that we are as important as anyone else in our lives. As you progress through the early stages of your recovery journey, you might find this challenging and more than a little uncomfortable, but if you persevere you'll get used to the idea.
So before you finish here, take a few moments, and reflect on these questions about self-love...
What does self-love mean to me in my recovery journey, and how has my understanding of it changed since I began recovery?
In what ways have I been kind to myself this week, and how did it make me feel? If I wasn't very kind to myself, how can I be kinder?
What negative self-talk patterns do I notice, and how can I reframe them more compassionately?
What are three things I'm proud of about myself, unrelated to my recovery?
How can I set healthy boundaries to protect my well-being and support my recovery?
What self-care activities bring me joy or peace, and how can I incorporate them more into my daily routine?
In what ways has my recovery journey shown me my own strength and resilience?
How can I practice forgiveness towards myself for past mistakes while still holding myself accountable in my recovery?
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