I've been in recovery almost 17 years. Sometimes I am weller than at others, and because of that I continue to do my deep, personal work. This year along with coaching, therapy, breathwork, learning, listening, shadow work and other forms of personal development, I also ventured into the realms of plant medicine and journeywork. It took me more than five years of trying to understand what this was about before I finally made the decision to include it in my personsl wellness process. I have read and listened, and gotten very curious about the ins and outs of it, and how it aligned with my personal recovery before I made the decision to do it.
Remember, I am an Enneagram Eight, and I like to be in control, or at least not be controlled by, others. And what I was reading, learning and hearing was that control is not something you get to have when you decide to surrender to the medicine.
My recovery is something that is incredibly sacred to me and I am not going to do anything that didn't align with that just because of what I'd heard. I wanted to be sure that using plant medicines for growth, development, and healing wasn't about messing with that, and that my intentions were pure. Curiously, things seemed to line up in a way that there was more and more talk around me as to the healing power of plant medicine from people I admire and respect. I wasn't looking for a magic bullet - I know they don't exist! And because I've done plenty of work over the years, in all different forms, so I was exploring what could take my wellness to the next level and offer me some new growth, insight, healing and depth.
I have to say that I was swayed the opinions, experiences, and research of some of the people I follow, respect and collaborate with. They weren't talking about going off to the mountains and ingesting the plants in an unmanaged way; they were talking about set and setting in facilitated spaces. They were talking about profound spiritual experiences and deep healing. They were citing research from some of the most respected institutions and researchers in the world...and don't forget the ancient, indigenous wisdom that has existed around the use of these medicines for millennia.
I've had some incredibly difficult experiences over the past few years, and I just didn't feel like I was fully moving through them using the traditional methods available to me. I wanted to do something to shake up my brain a bit, and see how I could become more at peace with my past - not run away from it. I wanted to confront and explore what was holding me back, not escape from it; which is what my drinking was about. I was feeling burned out, exhausted, overwhelmed, and mostly meh! I wasn't looking for a shortcut; I was looking for deep, profound healing. I wasn't looking to go off and get high. Actually, being an ex-drinker, I don't much like getting high anyway...
In May this year I had my first real therapeutic experience with plant medicine and it's been a game changer. When I say that, I don't mean it was easy because the amount of integration work I have done is huge! Following my first experience, I was able to make sense of some of the more challenging situations and experiences I have been through, without feeling completely overwrought and overwhelmed. My burnout lifted, and my brain seemed to be handling things a whole lot better.
I believe I've become more responsive, and the world doesn't feel like such a scary and awful place. I also got to experience a real connection to Self, Soul and Source, and recognise that there is more to my existence than I thought; that there is something more meaningful than just the here and now. And believe me I am in the work! I am not trying to sidestep or bypass - I am facing the hard stuff head on. It's just that I am doing it in full alignment of my cores values and what it means to me to be a well person.
The experience is one thing; the integration work is another. There have been days when I thought the duality of life was going to tear me apart! I have leaned hard into therapy, self-development, journalling, meditating, reading, and podcasts. I threw myself into wanting to make the most of the experience and being able to deepen my wellness through the mysticism of what I had experienced. I even tried dance, but "moving like winter" is not really for me!
Curiosity and intellectual playfulness became, and remain, extremely important to me as someone who takes herself just a little too seriously. In my initial integration process I was introduced to the work of James Hollis and finding meaning in the second half of live, and have continued to read voraciously on the subject of the healing properties of psychedelics, especially in terms of addiction and recovery. I've also been more able to look more gently at my overwhelming fear of death!
In the last few weeks I went back to do more work in this space, and because of my extremely serious approach to life and the work that I do, I intentionally asked for the experience of cosmic playfulness; an opportunity to really feel what it's like to let go a bit and not be wound up so freaking tight all the time. I just don't play enough; I am far too business-like for that. It wasn't about getting high, messing around and tripping, it was about understanding that although my work is serious, I don't need to take myself so seriously all the time.
It goes back to that control and responsiveness piece. Mainly that I control almost nothing except my responses to the vast majority of what is happening in the world - a lot of it just shit! What the Cosmos showed me is that the universal playground is infinite, and that it's absolutely okay not to take everything so earnestly and to try and keep it all in perspective, as much as possible anyway. That even if I haven't played that much in my life in a traditional way, the Cosmos is all about wisdom, curiosity and play!
At one part in the work, my experience was rudely interrupted by the infuriatingly, annoying screech of a Friday afternoon leaf blower! I actually don't know a single person who hasn't had something to say about how irritating they are and the absurdity of burning fossil fuels to blow around dust and leaves; normally just onto the next door curb. Being in conversation with the Cosmos, I begged that they turn down the awful sound so that I could continue on my mystical quest of understanding deeper issues like my worldly relationships and the meaning of my existence.
It was not to be! Apparently even the Cosmos gets hooked, and while I wanted to stay connected to the ancient wisdom to heal my deepest wounds, I was caught up in a dialogue about leaf blowers! It really is a case of "you had to be there", but my guide and I laughed until we cried, while the Cosmos extolled on about how they could take care of pretty much anything, but that the problem of leaf blowers was a human one to solve. I was told that if we could find a way to alleviate the world of these dreaded machines, which had resulted from the Cosmos taking it's "eye off us for just a Cosmic minute", that they'd take care of the rest.
It's a life changing experience to be in dialogue, and then banter, with the Cosmos and all its infinite knowingness, discussing "the one that got away from us". Like my wonderful guide said, "You can't make this shit up!"
What I learned is that there is an energy of innate playfulness running the show and that it's okay to have a little fun. That yes, the work is important and seriousa AND I don't have to be so uptight about it all the time. I am not talking about being frivolous and minimising what I (or you) do, but remembering that sometimes I need to hold it a bit more lightly; to respect the magnitude of what I choose to do, and not let it completely overwhelm me.
That I can play in the cosmic energy by being curious, courageous, authentic and a lifelong learner, and I can also close my eyes and rest knowing that there is loving, compassionate, nurturing wisdom, with a wicked sense of humour, sharp wit, and an innate depth for mischief, to take care of things when I have reached my personal capacity and limits.
I can't explain the level of awe and wonder I experienced that day. Trying to recount it just doesn't begin to capture how much fun, and how many insights, I had in those hours. There was also some extremely meaningful, deep work around being able to ask for help when I need it, and rest assured that it will come; even if I have to ask more than once.
I also recognised that some of the personal issues I have been wrangling with are choices that I make to stay caught in the story of what has happened to me. We all experience heartache, grief, loss, and betrayal and it's really a choice to stay ensnared in those narratives. That even though they were devastating and unhinging at the time, they don't need to hold me down the way they do; continuing to torture my psyche. If I choose to stay trapped in those experiences then it's just that; a choice. I can decidevwhere I want to go, whether that's to the wondrous, or heinous, depths of my life and the greater cosmic experience.
The weeks since have been a magical and interesting experience. I am lighter with myself, giving me a bit more wiggle room to experiment with playfulness, wonder and lightheartedness. I feel like I laugh a little more, even if mostly inwardly, and I am much more responsive to the thoughts, feelings and experiences that tend to weigh me down.
I truly believe that I caught a glimpse of why it is that the authentic spiritual teachers seem a fair bit happier and more joyful than the rest of us, even in the face of what's going on in the world... All I need when I am getting caught up in my thoughts is the sound of a leaf blower (they are everywhere), and it helps me drop back into presence and awareness, and remind myself that the Cosmos has got this. That I am safe and protected by their wisdom and love. It's a hell of a thing for someone who has had an ongoing battle with the subject of what's out there...
I feel enormous gratitude to have been privileged enough to dance and play with the Cosmos for those few hours. To be able to see myself from an almost completely different perspective, and to recognise that it's okay to embrace playfulness, curiosity, awe and wonder and use that to do what I do. And when it gets a bit too overwhelming and I start feeling myself get weighted down and sucked into the seriousness of my life and my work, I stop and ask myself how big the problem is "on a scale from zero to leaf blower?"
A couple of weeks ago I had a horrible situation that was an eight and a half, but it still wasn't leaf-blower terrible! I managed to step back, get some perspective, regroup and remind myself that there is so much more at play than just me and the situations and experiences I am dealing with at any given time. After all, if the Cosmos can slip up and leaf blowers are the result, then my mistakes and missteps are more than okay in the human scheme of things.
I continue to explore integration play, rather than seeing it as work. I am looking for ways to be a little more fun and a lot less rigid. Sing, dance and laugh a little more... How I can be less afraid to colour outside the lines and make the most of the opportunities that abound in the cosmic playground. I'm still figuring it out, and will most likely be for a very long time. I am allowing my intellectual curiosity to lead the way, as I continue to explore, play, and embrace the awe and wonder of what I have had a glimpse of and I am completely humbled by the magnificence of it all.
Disclaimer: This is a personal account. It is not medical, therapeutic or treatment advice for anyone suffering from substance use, addiction and/or mental health disorders. I am not a trained psychedelic-assisted therapist or guide, and only certain substances have been approved for legal use in South Africa. If you are interested in exploring the space, there are excellent resources available through organisations such as MAPS and podcasts such as Psychedelics Today. There are prestigious universities and research centres carrying out ongoing studies on the use of plant medicines, and anyone wanting to undergo treatment is encouraged to speak to professionals who are familiar with the work in this space. This blog is not advocating for the recreational use of plant medicines.
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