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You possibly love big, emotive experiences that rock your world and shift your perspective! You're always on the look out for the next immersive retreat, journey, breathwork, ice water immersion...the list goes on...that is going to "be the one". The experience that changes everything and makes it all make sense. You're not alone! A lot of us want that magic, silver bullet that makes everything we've done up to this point drop into place, creating a presence and essence of wholeness!? An experience of little angels dancing gleefully around our feet, clapping their chubby little hands at the level of our spiritual wellness. Sound too good to be true? Because unfortunately for most of us it's just not going to happen that way. Without a doubt the journey work, immersive spiritual experiences and intensive processes we engage in are fundamental to our growth, but they are really just a small part of the work.
I've had a few experiences that have been incredibly profound and most definitely lifechanging, but what I've realised over the years of my personal relationship with growth, development and learning, is that it's not so much about the experience, as what I do with the experience that counts. I've done holographic breathwork which connected me into incredibly powerful autobiographic and transpersonal spaces, journeywork that connected me to Self, Soul and Source, and a past life regression which gave me a chance to understand a very challenging relationship I have had over the eons. I had hoped, and even thought that the feelings, emotions and sensations I had would do the work for me and carry me forward in a swath of blissful ease.
Hmmm, not so much! Just like anything they fade over time. And then instead of wanting to do the work of grounding, integrating and embodying the experience fully, I wanted to go off and have more experiences. Luckily, I have wise people in my life who have always held a space for me that challenges me to look inwards for longer rather than simply doing the next big thing. These people have not always been the same people, but there have always been these types of people in my life over the past 16 or so years. What I have learned is that working with the experience, insights, shifts, and aha moments, means that I really do get more out of something, in a way that is sustainable and lasting. When the afterglow has disappeared, the work of bringing this profundity into the fabric of my life has been where the real growth and wellness lives.
Don't get me wrong; I love an experience! I was an addict for many years, and like nothing more than to escape from my reality and get out of my head. My head is a busy, challenging place a lot of the time. Sometimes in a present, productive way, and sometimes in an incredibly destructive, catastrophising way. So, I get wanting to have a break from ourselves. In my process, I have found healthy, expansive ways to do that and I also need to be ever mindful of just doing something for the sake of the intensity, escape, and experience, and wanting to rush my process of being a wiser, weller person!
What I have learned is that it's the space between the experiences that is where the good stuff really happens. It's when I do the work of meditating, moving, journalling, reflecting and going inwards that I experience the most growth. It's when things get emotional, mentally and spiritually uncomfortable that I know I am stretching myself and that true shifts and change are taking place. I've touched source; experienced ego dissolution; been shown why I feel and act certain ways. It would be great to go back there over and over again, where it all makes sense and I am being "shown the way". But the only way I get to have that in my life is to actually do the daily practices and engage in the routine work that gives me the opportunity to live that truth.
I could quite happily hang out in an altered state with Self, Soul, and Self and be eternally happy, but that's just not the reality of my life or my work. I need to come back and live and lean into the lessons and the insights that have been shared with me. And they're not always good!
If I truly had my way I would be disappearing into the foothills and forests to do my spiritual, emotional, and mental work. In another life I'd like to have the opportunity to do that, but I don't think it's this one. In this one I need to make the most of the experiences that I have been given, and learn as much as I can from them, anchoring and deepening them into my daily life. And then with that knowing and insight try and help others to find their way forward to learning, wellness, recovery, and growth however that looks to them.
It's not always easy - I have been doing some tough personal work this year. It's been kinda "unfun" at times and at one point I wanted to dive back into a bit of bypassing. A wise man recommended that I keep doing the work, which inadvertently turned out to be shadow work, and I am grateful for his guidance; even though shadow work isn't necessarily a good time. Insteadof the sexy ceremonial, spiritual work, I am scrawling page after page of deep reflection and introspection which is not the most light, blissful place to be hanging out with myself. Of course I am getting huge amounts out of the process, even if I'd rather have been doing it my way.
The thing is that "my way" hasn't always been the best choice when it comes to getting out of my head and moving closer to myself. And because I have worked hard to be a well-ish person (most of the time), I am always open to guidance, ideas and suggestions of people I respect and believe are doing their own work. Being open to others is not the same as being told what to do, because at the end of the day I am going to make the decision that best suits me. However, life-long learning and teachability are important values to me, so I am always happy to consider what my inner care circle brings to the table. It doesn't mean I always do what they recommend but I always listen to what they have to say because without them I can get ahead of myself.
What's been so important for me, especially this year, is doing the hard work of integration. And the more I listen, explore, and learn about it, the more I understand the importance of it. I have been unknowingly running an addiction integration group for 10 years; supporting people after they complete inpatient treatment. Only recently did I start to perceive it as integrative,1Ź work. It's the grounding after the intensive event of inpatient treatment that helps people get really well, not just be or stay clean and sober. I believe that the inpatient treatment phase is about stopping our drugs, our drinking, our shitty behaviour, and recovery is about staying stopped, and developing healthy replacement behaviours and fulfilling, meaningful lives.
And to practice what I preach, this year I have buckled down personally to integrate. I've journeyed in a couple of ways (holotropic breathwork being one of them) and then I have done the work! I have read, journalled, meditated (as often as possible), gone to therapy, worked with a coach, listened, learned and worked with my experiences. I have pushed myself emotionally, mentally, spiritually and socially. It's been hard and uncomfortable at times, and I have wanted to contract and pull away. Occasionally, I have a bit, because that's become my "safe space" over the years. But what this year has taught me is that hyper-independence does not serve me and that there is a space in between being overly reliant and being ridiculous!
I'm prone to becoming the old crone who lives alone in her little cottage at the edge of the forest if left to my own devices. Who knows maybe one day, but not today. Today, I am going to push back against that tendency to want to withdraw and go quiet when I am feeling stretched and uncertain. Today, I get up, dress up and show up because that's my integration stretch. Today I continue to do the work of integration, because that is where the really magic is. After all..."knowledge isn't power until it's applied."
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